To my beautiful mother…
My mother was one of those people you could never forget. There was something very special about her. She loved with her whole heart. She had a great sense of humour. She went out of her way to help people that other people decided were difficult to spend time with. She forgave people who hurt her deeply. She was too sensitive for this world. She was a saint…
3 days ago marked the point in my life where i have lived without my mother for exactly the same amount of time i had her with me. 19 years is a very long time to miss someone, and i still miss her immensely. 19 years in and 19 years out of touch. Recently i have been thinking about her a great deal, and missing her more than ever. I’m not sure why this is. It could be that i am getting closer to the age she departed, or it could be because i think i’m starting to understand and appreciate her much better than i ever did before. Whatever the reason, it has coincided with a crucial point in my life. I am in a place where i’m finally feeling comfortable in my skin, and also afraid for this transition i am experiencing.
She was a conflicted woman, one part of her wanted to run off and be a nun, and the other part just wanted to be loved and cherished. I don’t know if she was ever satisfied in her life, i don’t know how often she felt honestly happy. I wish i knew more about her. When my mother chose to leave us, i was 19 years old. I was a horrible teenager and i didn’t have a close relationship with her for many years. She didn’t really know what was going on with me, and i didn’t really know what was going on with her. I regret this deeply.
My mother, my dear mother, the woman i’ve always wanted to be like and at the same time totally unlike. Every time i do something that i remember her doing that i didn’t like, for example being overly strict on my children or being obsessed with some issue, i cringe and panic that i’m becoming more like her, the dark side of her. The side that over took her and ran her down. But then i sometimes do things that i did like or laugh at, for instance being absent minded and reversing into a tree, helping a good friend through a really difficult time or doing something fun and naughty with my kids, like ditching school and going to the beach. She would allow us to ride around town with our heads outside the sunroof of the car, and she was so good at inventing games. When she was well and stable she was a really great!
My mother had a delicate soul, and she understood other peoples suffering because she was suffering. I always wondered why she had all these friends who were in great pain, either physically or mentally. I think i get it now, i think she felt at ease with these people, she didn’t need to hide herself around them but also i think they gave her a huge distraction from what was going on inside of her. I think her mind was never at peace, i think the only time she found peace was when she decided to leave us.
So as i head towards age 42, the age of her parting where does this leave me. Firstly trying my best not to end like her at age 42. Secondly be available for my family when i can, but also know when i need some time out. I feel instability within me, but it’s often just the shifting of hormones, which is totally manageable with some care. The rest of the time i think it’s just fear. I read somewhere the other day that the path to enlightenment is to confront your fears, so thats something to think about. So this takes me to what i want to do with my time and energy. I want to help people feel good about themselves and find their inner strength and power. I want to use many tools to do this work, so lots more study is needed, which is good way to keep the mind busy and healthy.
I will miss my mother forever, but i know that if i need to feel close to her i just need to reach inside of myself and she is there, she is always there.
Her name was Elisabete
A little something interesting i discovered the other day
‘Russian nesting dolls’
Matryoshka (Russian dolls) are a representation of motherhood, family and fertility. The mother carrying a child within her. Therefore a chain of mothers carrying on the family legacy through the child in their womb. Matryoshka dolls are used to illustrate the unity of body, soul, mind, heart and spirit.
So in other words your grandmother carried you inside her womb, a female baby is born with all the eggs she will ever have in her lifetime. So when your grandmother was carrying your mother in her womb, you were a tiny egg in your mothers ovaries!
It gives me great confort to know that even though my daughters will never meet my mother, she once held them in her loving womb.
I love knowing how connected i am to the strongest, bravest and most important woman in my life!